I feel a little like a ghost in my own life right now.⠀
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I am subdued, quieter, fluid in my perception of time, ironically switching between ‘how is it only 9am’ and ‘did we forget to make lunch again?’⠀
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Finding ways to continue with the structure I can control while grieving the loss of so much I have been looking forward to is a hard balance to strike.⠀
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Watching my girls start to break down because of the lack of social connections outside the house is the hardest.⠀
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At the risk of sounding like a petulant child, it’s not fair that one day late this year we’ll wake up stepping into in a new world; one that effectively wiped out so much of this precious time and recalibrated the culture we live in.⠀
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I want so badly to actively reach in to fix something, but as a ghost, I am unable to tangibly touch anything.⠀
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So today, rather than feeling required to appreciate the privileges that this situation affords, I simply want to do ok. ⠀
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For now at my house we will let go of being our best selves, and be the ‘okayest’ family.⠀
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On Monday we will transition back to the ‘okayest’ homeschool in town.⠀
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Next week we will continue this ‘okay’ cycle with the same activities that have filled our days for the past 3 weeks.⠀
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Because at the end of the day - we ARE okay. And just existing this way without feeling obligated to tack on..’but we are so grateful’ to the end of every sentence we utter gives me some relief.⠀
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We know that from darkness comes light. From struggle comes compassion. From pain comes rising.⠀
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We are hovering somewhere surrounding the fire of all this; not anywhere near the blue flames, but certainly having experiences that make us feel stung by the heat.⠀
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I know we won’t be here forever. ⠀
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I also know that from practice we achieve progress. And progress from ‘okay’ sounds promising to me, and like something I can look forward to in the months ahead.⠀
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For this awareness, I am optimistic, even if I do still feel like a ghost living my ‘okayest’ live. ⠀
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I am still very happy to be in the room.
