Going Deep Into the Hard Stuff (part 1)


Everything I don’t want to feel like, I’ve just experienced acutely in the past 15 hours.⁠

I’m about to share a series of posts that may be triggering to some working though binging or self-trust issues.⁠

If you chose to read, please engage with kindness and an understanding that each one of us has our own version of hard. Personal inner demons that may look like nothing to one may have monumental power over another.⁠

But never for a moment have I been anything but transparent and real-time in this space. So I am compelled to share. ⁠

***⁠

I woke up at midnight, sweaty and immediately alert with shame the second I reached consciousness. Tears flowed. Like it was all a bad dream. I was devastated that it was not. ⁠

I stayed awake for the next three hours punishing myself and wishing I could turn back time. Asking questions like...⁠

⚠️WHAT am I doing selecting food that I realize start a negative feedback loop for me?⁠

⚠️WHY did I eat *every* slice of pizza in front of me? ⁠

⚠️WHEN did I decide to order the chocolate cake...was it while I still had food in my mouth? ⁠

⚠️WHO would continue to self-sabotage, even after an amazingly fulfilling family night?⁠

⚠️HOW did I not feel physically ill from consuming 4000+ calories in 5 hours?⁠

⚠️WHERE was I mentally when all of this was triggered? ⁠

And the biggest piece of the puzzle....⁠

Figuring out the next right steps from here. Because even at rock-bottom, in the absence of all reason, I KNOW I am not a victim.⁠

Everybody overeats past satiety sometimes. If you’re out there thinking you had a few too many handfuls of popcorn or an extra couple of cookies, understand that this is not what I am talking about. I would consider that normal human behavior. ⁠

But the middle-of-the-night anxiety attack that kept me in anguish for hours, was like a lightning bolt realization that something was different. And it was serious.⁠

Now you know the background of this story that I will continue to tell if there is interest?

In my next post I will share the first massively important action I took when I woke up. ⁠

What do you think I did? What would you do?⁠

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