If you’ve followed me since last year, you may know that I’ve been working to break out of my masculine, results-driven, Enneagram 3 tendencies in favor of behaviors that support some deficiencies I’ve developed over the years.
Maybe you’ve seen some of my peaks (releasing a recipe book, developing a coaching business, connecting to many like-minded people in this space 🙏) and valleys (managing a gut health dumpster fire and struggling to take adequate stress management measures).
And I’ve shared candidly, albeit awkwardly, through all of it (another stressor in and of itself tbh).
Eight months ago our family traveled to #Breck for a fun getaway yes, but personally for me, it was about healing.
My motives were to immerse myself in relaxation and emerge renewed, refreshed and (haha - laughing at myself for this one) possibly reformed.
As if anything worth having in my life has ever come that easy.
I look back at the highlight I saved with a pang of sadness for the ghost of my former self who then, felt like a failure for experiencing a trip of a lifetime, only to leave feeling more broken than when I arrived.
A surprise to no one, but still maddening to me, I realized there is no such thing as a 10-day rehab when you’ve been neglecting self-care for as many months (years? 🤔). Sort of like how no 30 day diet adherence is going to permanently reverse years of lifestyle habits.
When I got home, things got harder before they got easier. Progress felt like an abandoned concept. But I stayed true to my goals and accepted that my time away, however immersive, was only a kick start.
Seeing the mountains in our rear view mirror this time was different.
*👉Besides another 8 months of work👈* rather than a motive, this time I had an intention for our trip. And I needed every second of that time to figure out how to do it.
It was to get out of my head and into my body.
Last fall, I actively tried really hard to be still. I analyzed and considered and assessed everything.
There was so much resistance.
This time I…
FLOWED. I watched the rivers, the clouds, the trails and my family as they ebbed and flowed.
LISTENED. I didn’t eat or play or do anything unless I really wanted it. There was no ‘shoulding’ all over myself.
FOCUSED. On really feeling in the moments so I could bring them home with me, rather than watch them fade into the mountain sunset and feel sorry for myself.
If this all sounds too abstract for you, I understand. That’s where I was a year ago.
Let me leave you with this…
These past several months, where progress toward my goals has been completely intangible day-to-day, has yielded wins so immeasurable that I haven’t even been able to share publicly about them yet.
Stay tuned. I promise I would never leave you with a cliffhanger for too long. And to be clear, it isn’t all sunshine, and I want to share that too.
Then please, I’d love to know if this space resonates with you? Or if you even want it to?
Comments